health sisterhood

Arousal: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger…not so much.

by Kimiecat — September 15, 2011

My favorite part of Nic’s new motherhood post was her sweet husband blurting out how she was still sexy. In today’s enlightened times men have more awareness of female sexuality (clitoris, g-spot, right?) and it’s nice to acknowledge where babies do come from since after they arrive it seems like life turns into a G-rated movie about Spot for many couples.

But do men know what turns women on?

There are lots of theories and stereotypes of what arouses men, but really are there sexual stereotypes of what arouses women, besides chocolate? No—because female sexuality is still trapped between the dichotomy of “sluts & saints” all shrouded in black magic and mystery down there. There are far more stereotypes about women *not* being in the mood. My friend reminded me of this future sex scene from Demolition Man which reverses some stereotypes of male and female sexuality; it was a far better anthropological film than it was an action flick.

So, how do you arouse a woman without violence or electrodes? Here are a few thoughts.

Waaaaay be-Foreplay
Number one on the list is creating a romantic atmosphere. All women are different but the majority of us don’t have the magic ON switch that guys have.

This has been circulating the Internet for years with good reason, whoever made this graphic—I salute you.

Time and time again, I hear guys complain that their girlfriend/wife/partner isn’t in the mood/hates sex/could care less, etc. but I never hear them admit or even connect it’s because they are doing it wrong. So how do you cultivate a romantic atmosphere? Well, arousal for women isn’t really much about sex.

Stimulate her clitoris brain
Cheap Trick wrote the definitive treatise to female arousal with I Want You to Want Me. Women need to feel desired and desirable. We are constantly told that men only want one thing, one-track mind; we must beat them off us with sticks. So imagine how bewildered we feel when you stop constantly salivating over us? Flirt, salivate, pinch your lady’s ass, and get her a little bit mad at you! Use the five senses to tell her she’s a heavenly creature you can’t get enough of, and let her deflect your advances. Think of it as a fun party invitation to sex, ladies need to plan ahead for intimacy. Catch us off guard at our least obviously sexy moment as Nic’s sweet husband did. She might laugh that you called her sexy when she is covered in baby barf, but I promise you she heard what you said.

Speak her Language
There are millions of books about man/woman communication. The bottom line is that the sexes feel loved by different actions. Now that you have flirted to start her engine, you need to find out what makes your lady feel loved, some women love little presents, some need love notes & text messages, some need you to be friends with their family, some need help with domestic chores, some need to be taken on stimulating adventures (outside of the bedroom, Casanova!) If she doesn’t feel like you know her and what’s important to her—you won’t be getting lucky.

Make out
If you are not making out like teenagers, you are doing it wrong. Women don’t feel loved if all you ever want is sex. Yes, we get mad if you don’t snuggle after, but there will be no after if you don’t snuggle before, kiss like you mean business, and touch in a non sexual way. Talk sexy to the brain; go easy on the body!

Turn On / Turn Off                                                        
Once you have become a master at cultivating a romantic atmosphere, showing your lady you understand what makes her feel loved, treated her to plenty of hot make out sessions on the sofa in the near past, THEN you need to find out how to get your partner to relax before the main event. If you have been reading the Empress Tea blog you know that women these days are high-octane super-people balancing career, family, money, babies, and housekeeping. Everyone wants a slice of Super Woman. You will have to tell her to stop everything, go take a bubble bath, slip into something comfortable, and decompress for at least 20 minutes. Nothing turns me on more than when my husband tells me to sit down while he does the dishes.  After your lady returns from the time out you demanded she take, glowy, peaceful and relaxed, sweep everything off the kitchen table and ravish her, or whatever is your thing.

Good luck has nothing to do with getting lucky! 

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