culture & community health

Resolutely in Reverse

by Cheney — January 5, 2015

Made some new shiny resolutions for 2015? Looking for tips on how to stick with them and get your money’s worth from those new running shoes/swimming goggles/ski poles/aerial yoga lessons? Well, you’re in luck, because I believe there’s been approximately eleventy billion articles and blog posts written on that topic in the last week and that’s only if you’re looking for something that relates specifically to this year.

I did most of the things normal people do on New Year’s Day. I nursed an epic hangover by lying on the couch, drinking litres of Berocca and watching episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I moaned weakly, and felt some regret about doing my part to help drink a bottle of champagne that was approximately the size of my torso. Standard stuff. But I did not at any point get out my notebook and resolve to be a better person in 2015. Of course, I’d like to be a better person, but my hands were too weak to hold a pen and self-improvement sounded like a lot of effort.

But it’s the time of year to talk about it so I went ahead and read some of these resolution-focused articles and noticed a lot of them contained things that wouldn’t be on my list if I was to make one. And that got me thinking about a reverse resolution list – a list of things that I would resolve not to make resolutions about in 2015. It would go something like…

I’m not going to resolve to take up any new hobbies – I have Japanese language lessons on my phone, a reading stack on my bedside table that runs 12 deep, a near-new ukulele in the closet, and a pile of sewing projects so high that it threatens to topple over and bury me forever under 50 pairs of un-hemmed pants. The last thing I need is more half-assed interests to make me feel guilty about not being productive enough on weekends.

No resolutions about detoxing – No one selling a detoxification product has ever been able to clarify exactly which toxins I’ll be removing from my body if I buy their herbal supplement/shampoo/shoe inserts and how they might be flushed from my body in a way that is superior to the method used by one of the specialist organs in my body that already takes care of it. I’ll keep my money thanks. In fact, I’m thinking about consuming slightly more toxins than usual this year. My liver’s been having a pretty easy time of it lately (except on December 31st), and given that there’s more evidence around that moderate drinkers live longer, I need to kick things up a notch and mix a cocktail more than once every few weeks.

Hello, 2015!

Hello, 2015!

I’m not going to make more time for myself – I’m not a parent, a pet owner, or carer for anyone except the handful of plants on my balcony. My partner is remarkably self-sufficient. So pretty much every moment I’m not at the office is technically “me time”. My weekends are one big Festival Of Me, and relaxing any harder would probably result in a coma. I’ve got this relaxation thing down. I’d offer to give tips, but that might technically constitute a new hobby and we already know how I feel about those.

No resolutions about weight loss – To be fair,  if I fall over and land on a scale at any time during 2015 and the number is a smaller one than I’m accustomed to seeing, I’m not going to cry. I just don’t care one way or the other. From the 30-odd years of anecdotal evidence I’ve collected over the years, focusing on your weight brings nothing but dissatisfaction, no matter your size. It’s not that I don’t plan to eat well and exercise as best I can, I’m just going to do it with other goals in mind. Like being able to push the bigger kids over at the playground.

I’m not going to run a marathon – In fact I’m not going to run any more than strictly necessary. I might run to catch up with the bus, or an ice-cream van, or to get under the garage door before it closes, Indiana Jones-style. But that’s it. This knock-kneed, weak-ankled body was not made for the kind of impact anything over a brief jog demands. Fortunately, I’m better engineered for deadlifting, boxing, and dancing in my kitchen, which suits me just fine.

I think 2015 is going to be a good year. If nothing else, my ability to make a good Old Fashioned will be finely honed by December. What more could you ask for?

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  • Bridget

    Yes, yes, yes! I love this!!!! I especially enjoy that it seems like you have used some articles from my Facebook wall to support your theory. Amazeballs! I’m with you on the no resolution thing. Resolutions are for wusses!

    Also amusing… I was just telling my mom about my stack of 8 books by the bed with 3 in-progress. She thought that was weird and thinks I should be reading one at a time. I told her I probably picked up that habit in university when I had to read a zillion at once. Plus, it might have something to do with a short attention span or, reading to match my moods.

    HAPPY NEW YEAR CHENEY!!!!!

    • Cheney

      I think I picked up the multiple-book habit in university too – I used to give myself a mental break from my course reading by throwing in a few pulpy crime novels or short story collections. I guess I just kept doing it, since I like the variety now.

      I forgot that the “moderate drinking means you win at health” article was one of your wall posts until just now. You’re always posting stuff that is relevant to my lifestyle and interests!
      HAPPY NEW YEAR TOOO!!!

      • Bridget

        I also posted one about the uselessness of detoxing. I think we’re starting to mind meld!

    • Gav

      Bonus points: Reading one page in a book, then swapping books, reading one page, and so on. See what marvelous narrative is created. Then read Twilight and see if you can tell any difference.

  • Cheney, you are a star. Here is to the year of the “un-resolution,’ especially those that bang on about detoxing, weight, fitness and the like. We can’t all be Victoria’s Secret models now can we? (Note: I prefer to have my cake AND eat it too.) Happy 2015!!

    • Bridget

      Mmmm cake!