culture & community sisterhood

Choices, Choices. Where Do I Start 2020?

by Amber — December 31, 2019
Women tired from making choices in the new year. Sitting with balloons on a sofa, after party

Contemplating choices for 2020 and the next decade. My two halves, battling it out as the New Year approaches. Who will win?

Swimming in possibility. A new year dawning with new opportunities ahead. Swimming in the details that the setting year brought. Smiling at the luxury saying, “yes” has brought to me. The sort of wealth that comes from experience and meeting new people. Being welcomed into a world I never thought I fit into and seeing that it was, in fact, something I should have been, right from the start.

While I marvel in this new world, playing with the shiny trinkets it offers I am still attached to the rusty tools I’ve used well so far. I’m still writing and creating but see how closely these skills work in the business world and realizing that I may not be able to have it all.

Make a resolution?

It is not my habit to make a resolution, but a new year does bring a chance for a fresh start. Which, for me, means choices. I need to make choices. Hard choices. 2020, a year of clarity, hindsight and action. Taking what I’ve learned in 2019 and using that knowledge in 2020 to continue to create my best life. But I am stumped.

I was drowning in obligation. Working too many jobs hardly understanding which took priority. Missing my family and the simplicity our lives had when we first began, but simultaneously excited to be in a world where I was writing and publishing books, marketing a restaurant, planning special events, running an Air Bnb, supporting local vendors and so much more. I have plans and ideas for more, but am truly stumped on how this works? How do I achieve more without loosing myself. Without becoming an over regimented, burned out, absentee Mom, who can’t even find the time to cook a healthy meal.

How do I focus in 2020 on what truly needs to be done? What is fun, what is survival? My happiness or my family’s? Can they be the same? Where do I start? What is important?

Why do I feel like I’m walking through the doors of this next decade less sure of myself as the previous? I stop here. Feeling the frustration building that making big decisions brings and decide to put it aside, to deal with it later and laugh heavily at myself. Feeling doomed to repeat and give in to the busy trap. I don’t see a fix. Being true to myself and my family leaves me unbalanced. Continuously triaging my day, without looking past those 24hrs, hoping I get through it without letting anyone down. Crashing into bed, eyes shut and asleep in seconds, waking hours later, eyes wide open and planning my day before I even pull back the blankets.

Where do I begin?

Where do I start? And where do I finish? It’s something every writer asks while they create. To have the simplicity of control over my life that I have over my characters. To make decisions about someone’s life and maneuver events to allow them to finish exactly where they ought to be… could it be that simple? Do I write my own story?

Stuck, no immediate dose of clarity coming my way and I’m realizing that the fresh start I hoped to make for the coming year, may need to be refined to simply promising myself to take the time to really investigate what I want and what we need in the coming year. It’s a bit of a cop out and not the solution I was hoping for, but I see that these are not decisions I can make on my own.

It’s a messy end and not the one I was hoping to tie up my year, but it’s the one I’ve got. It’s the one I’ll own.

Photo Credit: Cottonbro

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