It started 4:30 am Wednesday morning. Because I knew it was coming, I had texted my sister the night before to tell her. She lives in another country. The conversation starts there.
Sis: What a mind twister. We love you. I’ve made sure my phone is not on silent, I’m here any time you need me xxxxxx
Me: On Skype now.
Me: I’m up. U up?
Sis: Yup
Me: It’s started. Sore and can’t sleep. Lucky u u get to be my miscarriage buddy! Ha ha
Sis: 🙁
Sis: Oh K. Suck.
Sis: Poor u
Sis: Just cleaning
Me: Suck indeed. But better than having to take pills/go to hospital.
Sis: Yes that’s true. It’s definitely better to be at home.
Sis: Wish I could be there for you
Sis: xxxxxx
Sis: I had a miscarrriage
Sis: I can’t remember if I told u
Sis: I love you
Me: When?!! Deets pls
Sis: In (name removed). It was B’s. He wanted me to abort it anyway. was when all the drug drama was going on. It came on at work but I thought it was period pain
Sis: or tummy bug or
Sis: Something else going on but it kept getting worse so I went to the doctor and they said probably miscarriage go home
Sis: So I did and it was painful but then this thing came out and it subsided and it was over…B wouldnt’ come and see me. I got pretty desperate after that.
Sis: Drinking heavily after work in my room.
Sis: New town no one knew me so perfect situation to self destruct!
Sis: But it was definitely for the best, as bad as that sounds
Sis: Imagine me with B’s kid…I would still be mind fucked!
Sis: Still. Possibly one of the loneliest experiences I have had. So, I can empathise althought I don’t know how you are feeling right now…it’s lonely being a woman sometimes x
Me: Yes, lonely is exactly how I feel. Poor Sis xo.
Sis: xxxx
Sis: Gotta get some shut eye x you ok?
Me: Good xo.
Sis: Up? xxx
Me: @ hospital
Me: Lots of bleeding & big clots
Sis: 🙁
Me: 🙁
Sis: You ok?
Me: Yeah. Just can tell I’m losing a lot. Wish u were here xo
Me: In a diaper!
Sis: Oh man
Sis: I do too
Sis: xxx
Sis: THinking of you big sis x
Me: xo
Sis: Hi how you trucking
Me: On IV
Me: Still bleeding
Me: Getting pain meds
Me: Morphine
Sis: Yay for morphine
(hours later)
Sis: How are you
Me: Still bleeding a lot Dr says too much may need d&c. Low BP. Battery low phone
Sis: Shit.
Sis: What’s d and c?
Sis: Is (name removed) with you?
Me: Surgery they scrape u out. No. Told him not to come
Sis: Dang
Sis: You ok by yourself? I’m worried about you
Me: Friend coming
Sis: Ok good
Sis: I love you
Sis: love x
Me: Love
Sis: How are you? Glad to hear you’re home x
Me: Ok. Still dizzy etc.
–
I wonder why there are no doulas for miscarrying women. Someone to just hold your hand and let you cry and help you clean up if needed.
There’s always so many people involved in a birth, but in a miscarriage, unless you’re at risk you’re on your own. Even if you’re at risk you’re on your own.
My midwife said to me afterwards, “I wish there was a support group I could send you to..but there isn’t.”
I wonder why?
