health pregnancy & parenting sisterhood

A miscarriage, in txt

by Kate — November 25, 2012

lonely woman miscarriage txt washroom

It started 4:30 am Wednesday morning.   Because I knew it was coming, I had texted my sister the night before to tell her.  She lives in another country.    The conversation starts there.

Sis: What a mind twister.  We love you.  I’ve made sure my phone is not on silent, I’m here any time you need me xxxxxx

Me: On Skype now.

Me: I’m up.  U up?

Sis: Yup

Me: It’s started.  Sore and can’t sleep.  Lucky u u get to be my miscarriage buddy! Ha ha

Sis: 🙁

Sis: Oh K. Suck.

Sis: Poor u

Sis: Just cleaning

Me: Suck indeed. But better than having to take pills/go to hospital.

Sis: Yes that’s true.  It’s definitely better to be at home.

Sis: Wish I could be there for you

Sis: xxxxxx

Sis: I had a miscarrriage

Sis: I can’t remember if I told u

Sis: I love you

Me: When?!! Deets pls

Sis: In (name removed). It was B’s. He wanted me to abort it anyway.  was when all the drug drama was going on.  It came on at work but I thought it was period pain

Sis: or tummy bug or

Sis: Something else going on but it kept getting worse so I went to the doctor and they said probably miscarriage go home

Sis: So I did and it was painful but then this thing came out and it subsided and it was over…B wouldnt’ come and see me. I got pretty desperate after that.

Sis: Drinking heavily after work in my room.

Sis: New town no one knew me so perfect situation to self destruct!

Sis: But it was definitely for the best, as bad as that sounds

Sis: Imagine me with B’s kid…I would still be mind fucked!

Sis: Still. Possibly one of the loneliest experiences I have had.  So, I can empathise althought I don’t know how you are feeling right now…it’s lonely being a woman sometimes x

Me: Yes, lonely is exactly how I feel.  Poor Sis xo.

Sis: xxxx

Sis: Gotta get some shut eye x you ok?

Me: Good xo.

Sis: Up? xxx

Me: @ hospital

Me: Lots of bleeding & big clots

Sis: 🙁

Me: 🙁

Sis: You ok?

Me: Yeah. Just can tell I’m losing a lot.  Wish u were here xo

Me: In a diaper!

Sis: Oh man

Sis: I do too

Sis: xxx

Sis: THinking of you big sis x

Me: xo

Sis: Hi how you trucking

Me: On IV

Me: Still bleeding

Me: Getting pain meds

Me: Morphine

Sis: Yay for morphine

(hours later)

Sis: How are you

Me: Still bleeding a lot Dr says too much may need d&c. Low BP. Battery low phone

Sis: Shit.

Sis: What’s d and c?

Sis: Is (name removed) with you?

Me: Surgery they scrape u out.  No. Told him not to come

Sis: Dang

Sis: You ok by yourself? I’m worried about you

Me: Friend coming

Sis: Ok good

Sis: I love you

Sis: love x

Me: Love

Sis: How are you?  Glad to hear you’re home x

Me: Ok. Still dizzy etc.

I wonder why there are no doulas for miscarrying women.  Someone to just hold your hand and let you cry and help you clean up if needed.

There’s always so many people involved in a birth, but in a miscarriage, unless you’re at risk you’re on your own.  Even if you’re at risk you’re on your own.

My midwife said to me afterwards, “I wish there was a support group I could send you to..but there isn’t.”

I wonder why?

You Might Also Like

  • Bridget

    That’s a very good question Kate. I’m sure it can be a very traumatic experience for many women. I did meet a women once who said it was no big deal. I can’t imagine feeling that way if it happened to me. I think it’s fine time someone started a support system for women experiencing miscarriages. You’d think there would at least be some kind of sympathetic protocol…

  • wendy

    Kate, when I was in Japan, I learned about a ritual called “mizuko kuyō,” a practice not without controversy that arose out of a need to find a measure of comfort after losing a baby or a child.

    In a lot of the temples I visited, there were hundreds and hundreds of small Mizuko Jizō statues dressed in red bonnets and bibs. Mothers make offerings to these statues to remember a miscarried or aborted fetus, a stillborn baby or a small child that died.

    Also worth a read is a NY Times Magazine article “Mourning My Miscarriage” by an American woman who suffered one while working in Japan.

    While the mizuko ritual doesn’t necessarily help while a miscarriage is happening, having a place and a way for parents to express their grief publicly afterward, alongside others who have experienced the same loss, fills a very human need.

  • Shrioi Kuma

    Agree; my dearest friend had a miscarriage – it was traumatic.
    My own mother miscarried between my older sister and me.
    I’m extra hairy due to an anti-miscarriage drug she took while pregnant with me.
    She has nine children – she never got over the miscarriage.
    The only time she ever had a vacation was during the time of mourning her lost baby- my smart father sent her for a weekend in the city.
    She never had another vacation sans children until she was in her 60’s.
    Japan is a smart country in many ways; women need to mourn – a fetus is a life.