arts & music culture & community

10 Ways to Respond to, “What are you going to do, now?” (Illustrated with Parks and Rec GIFs)

by Briana — May 9, 2014

If you read my last post, you would think this should be an update on my grandma’s recipe extravaganza. Alas, when I started going through the recipe box, I discovered they were all dessert recipes. This was an unexpected find, as my grandmother was a huge health nut and constantly told us the story of how she stopped eating sugar at age 17 and hadn’t had a cold since. As much as I love sweet stuff in moderation, if I made a pan of brownies every week, I would emerge from this experiment looking like a python that had just swallowed a sleeping drunk man.

Sometimes even good ideas have to be abandoned, and that was one of them. My grandma wrote a recipe book with non-dessert recipes in it, so maybe I’ll tackle that someday. But today, I’m going to talk about graduation. On May 3rd I received my master’s degree in violin performance. As anyone who has ever graduated from anything knows, getting a degree inspires everyone around you to become a professional interrogation squad. What’s next? What are you going to do now? Why aren’t you going to do this? You should really consider mastering Irish fiddling, don’t you think?

I don't want to do things. The intensity of interrogation gets worse with each degree you accumulate. So in case I decide to go on and get my doctorate some day, I’ve come up with a list of ten things to pick from every time someone asks me what I’m going to do with my life.

1) The FBI has hired me to move to Colombia and make huge drug ring busts.

Burt macklin

I don’t speak Spanish and I’ve only shot a gun once, but I’ll be super successful, don’t worry.

2) I’m getting evicted tomorrow and I’m really excited about it.


I can now do what everyone with a degree in music does: play my out of tune guitar and wail away on the corner of Broadway and 4th with a Colt 45 in a paper bag and my hair done up in rags.

3) I’m going to research the effects of sonoseismic aftershock on chlorophyll production in sea turtles.


Warning: this field of research may or may not actually exist. If they ask follow-up questions, just say you’re not allowed to discuss the details.

4) I just joined the Church of Scientology.


I’m going to find a husband and stop making my own decisions like any good woman should do. Also, aliens.

5) I’m opening an etsy shop.


I’m going to sell bicycles, plaid shirts, and mustache tonic gel made from a Key West spring breeze and the breath of a newborn puppy.

6) Speaking of puppies, I’m experimenting with a new breed that combines a poodle with pterodactyl DNA.


If it goes well, I’m going to call it either the poodactyl or the pterodoodle. What do you think?

7) I’m going back to school.


Now that I have one degree in political science and one in music, I figure electrical engineering is the next logical step. Also, if I stay in school for long enough the government with just take care of all my loans because they’ll be in awe of how smart I am. Right?

8) I’m selling vitamins.


I just got a bumper sticker for my car and my own 800 number. It’s a pyramid scheme, but shhh don’t tell anybody. You look a little tired – perhaps you’d be interested in this Vitamin B-guarana complex?

9) I’m going into real estate.


The ultimate thing to do when you don’t know what else to do.

10) I’m going to keep being me, thank you very much.


It’s not like now that I’ve walked across a stage and grabbed a diploma I’m about to die. I’ve got a job and a puppy and a boyfriend and a good pair of running shoes. I may not have it all figured out, but I’m not doing anything different – other than not going back to school in the fall. And maybe getting that haircut I’ve been putting off for six months.


*featured image by Ryan McGuire

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