humour social media & technology

You Won’t Believe The Top 10 Things Lazier Than This Listicle

by Cheney — September 26, 2014

Like JoAnna, I am often comforted by random online experiences that give me a little perspective. Sometimes I do things that make me look a little dim, but I’m pretty sure that if I discovered I didn’t have a skull, Dr. Google wouldn’t be my first point of medical triage.

For instance, take today. It was a long day. It was the kind of long day you can only have on a Friday, when the following Monday is a public holiday, and the 80% of your office that is going on vacation next week decides to fob off the rest of their work onto the remaining 20% (I’ll leave it to you to guess which category I belong to). I was pretty sure I’d get at least a little time over my lunch break to jot down some ideas for this tardy blog post, shape it into something a little more coherent on the commute home, and publish it in time to enjoy a guilt-free dinner.

The reality was that I worked through my lunch break, spent the bus ride home staring slack-jawed out the window watching a bird try to eat a container of discarded salad, and have barely moved from the couch since I walked in the door. Instead of getting up to do the things I needed to do (make dinner, change out of my work clothes, visit the bathroom), I messed around on my laptop. I didn’t use it to do something productive, like write a blog post. Oh, no. I sat around killing time on Reddit. But then I came across this thread, wherein a user asks others for examples of the laziest things they’ve ever done. And suddenly, inspiration struck and coincidentally, I didn’t feel as lazy as I had five minutes ago.

I present to you now, ten things people have done that are far lazier than the topic of this blog post, curated lovingly from an article I just spent the last twenty minutes reading (oh, and I got up to go the bathroom before I started writing, because I don’t think that a full bladder really helps create an authoritative, writerly tone).

Laundry

Let’s just wear our clothes inside out so we don’t have to do laundry!

1. “I signed up for a free trial of Amazon Prime so I could get free 2-day shipping on an order of new underwear, all because I didn’t want to leave the house or do laundry that week.”

 

2. “I was wearing a mid-length dress and knee-high boots, so I measured the exact area that would be exposed and just shaved that 5 inches right smack dab in the middle of my legs.”

 

3. “Used to have one of those ‘clap on, clap off’ lights in my room. I hated clapping so I just made an audio recording of me clapping and mapped it to one of the programmable keys on my keyboard.”

4. “I have a dog and a cat, and I HATE sleeping with the door open. Sometimes dog wants to sleep in the bedroom, sometimes dog wants to sleep outside the bedroom. But he never decides until I’m comfy in bed. Solution? Keep a laser pointer on my nightstand. Once dog decides where he’s sleeping, I’ll shine the laser pointer on the door so that my cat paws it closed. It has now become a routine that my cat will wait by the door for the laser before laying down.”

Cereal

Cornflakes and aluminium – an unexpected taste sensation.

 

5. “I ran out of clean bowls for cereal. So I lined the bowls with foil, over the old food and made a bowl of cereal. After that I threw away the foil and did it again the next day.”

 

6. “In order to not walk 5 feet to my bed, I decided to fall sleep on my recliner, pulling down the window shade a little extra, so I could use it as a blanket.”

7. “I always heat things in the microwave for 1:11 or 2:22 because I’m too lazy to move my fingers to the 0 before I hit start.”

8. The story of the guy who made a Navy vessel change course so the sun wouldn’t be in his eyes while he ate his breakfast bagel is probably too long to repost here, but it’ s so well written that it’s definitely worth a read.

Muffin

Fact: Muffin wrappers are an excellent source of dietary fibre.

 

9. “I was eating a blueberry muffin, but when I finished, I couldn’t be bothered getting up to put the wrapper in the trash. So I just went ahead and ate the wrapper too.”

10. “Garage door wouldn’t open. Called in sick for work.”

 

There. Don’t you feel more productive now? You’re welcome. I’ve eaten cereal out of a clean bowl, every time for the last thirty years, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more smug about that fact until today. Isn’t the internet great?

 

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  • Bridget

    OMG, I love this! It’s amazing how utterly dumb some of those things are. I do think the laser pointer for the cat closing the door is ingenious! I’d love to find a way for the dog to open the door in the morning herself, instead of waking me up with an annoying huffy woof. Maybe I just have to train her for one more trick. A rope on the door perhaps? Hmmmm…

    • Cheney

      While I was reading the article I oscillated between “What an ingenious way to do it!!” and “OMG. That is truly the laziest thing I’ve ever heard”. The worst were the ones that were a combination of the two (there were plenty I didn’t include, or the list would’ve gone on forever).
      One guy convinced his business studies teacher, for a course unit involving running a fictional business, that since he was his own boss in the business, he should ultimately be responsible for assigning his own grade. The teacher eventually agreed, so the course was an easy A. Except he failed because he couldn’t be bothered filling out the paperwork that assigned the grade at the end. WUT.

  • Cheney, these are awesome. What I find most amusing is the effort going into, say, measuring out five inches of exposed skin and shaving just that as opposed to using the two-four minutes spent measuring and applying that to shaving two legs.

    People are something else. For real.